I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to write this post or not. There is things many of you know I keep out of my blog; like my children. This is for numerous reasons but mostly safety. I’m not saying I think you are stalkers etc, but it’s my way of protecting my children. This post however has been mulling over in my mind for a few days and as my blog is quite ‘constistant’ when it comes to posts and even my moods I thought I best give you a ‘heads up’ so to speak on this week for me,
Something I rarely talk about is the fact I have had five children. Before I had my four children with my ex husband I had a child before with my previous partner. It wasn’t a good pregnancy and was riddled with problems from about 16 weeks onwards and trips to London and specialist hospitals. I still managed to get to 38 weeks before I had a planned c-section and gave birth to my first child, my son. Myself and partner at the time were pre-warned of problems with his condition and knew he wasn’t going to be very well. We however were never told that it could mean he would die. He was born on 29th September, 1999 a long time ago I know and after 2 days of being in hospital and then transferred to Great Ormond Street died on 1st October, 1999. We were never prepared until after a day of his birth that he didn’t have long to live and even then were given about a month so as you can imagine there was as much shock to the situation, unanswered questions and also heart break.
Losing my son is something I’ve always been able too talk about, although I rarely do. It’s like talking about the situation happening to someone else – I sound robotic almost and clinical. This is just my way of dealing with it. As times gone on I find its milestones that make it harder. Especially as I had my daughter 14 months after he died.
Each year I deal with it differently. He would have been 12 years old this year and even with his complications and problems I think about the milestone of secondary school as if he would have been born healthy. I can’t tell you how I will feel this week; sometimes I feel fine while other times I’m a basket case even if I do hide it well.
This post is just to let you know that if I am a little off keel this week, stand offish or emotional it will pass just as time does and give me till after Sunday and I’ll be back to my usual mad self. However I may be fine – time will tell I guess. I will continue to post my reviews and tutorials but if I don’t feel up to it, then I won’t and may be quiet a few days instead.
I apologise if this post has upset anyone, it wasn’t my intention. I don’t need sympathy or consolling, I just need time to get through the week of his memory.
Lots of Love,